City Girl Survival Guide

2009-12-23T05:59:00.000-08:00

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

How many times have you walked into a store this holiday season, gritted your teeth, and replied "just looking. No. Juuust looking."

Can we please do some research to find out if customer harassment boosts sales? Maybe it does. Overeager retail associates make me want to hightail it from Neiman Marcus' Needless Markups to a low-pressure TJ Maxx. Don't be surprised if your gifts from me have that overstock glow! :)

Oh, Snap!

2009-12-15T17:17:00.000-08:00

I hate that I love this.

WEDDING WEIGHT LOSS

2009-12-09T23:14:00.000-08:00

I don’t know when the big day is, where it will be, or what colors we’ll wear. What I do know, is I need to make a vow to get in shape.

Time to start working out in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, as long as the rolls shall live.

I DO have ab flab. * I DO want to lose it. * I DO have at least 8 months to trim down. * I DO NOT KNOW HOW.

Help a fatty out! Should I try a raw foods diet? Master Cleanse? Atkins?

For me, some things do taste almost as good as skinny feels. In fact, most things do.

ANY DIET TIPS OR HEALTHY RECIPES? IF SO, PLEASE SHARE!

IT'S CUTE AND ALL

2009-12-09T22:02:00.000-08:00

But "talk to the moose?" Am I missing something? Are people saying "talk to the moose" these days?

DON’T PET MY PEEVE

2009-12-08T12:30:00.000-08:00

Ever make the mistake of sharing a pet peeve with someone who thinks it’s funny? Ya know, the kind of jerk who brings it up every time you see each other; tells people about it; won’t let you forget it? Maybe it's better to suffer alone.

Nah, maybe not. I’m not particularly peevy, but there are a few things that drive me crazy.

The term “now, more than ever.” Uuuugh. Can't we cook up a new manipulative sales gimmick? I HATE IT! Let’s head into 2010 with a better catchphrase. IDEAS, ANYONE?

Showerheads that only spray a skimpy ring of water make me want to punch someone in the face. A low pressure trickle is a terrible way to start the day. It’s not a shower unless I’m being pelted by a hot torrential downpour.

Even from far across the room, men in skinny jeans know just the right way to tickle my gag reflex. Accentuating your twiggy calves is anything but sexy, hipsters! Leave it to the ladies.

Other people’s spit. Public tooth sucking, phlegm hacking and lip smacking should be outlawed. It may not warrant the death penalty, but at least a year in solitary confinement.

WHAT’S BUGGING YOU?

WHAT ARE WE DOING TODAY, BRAIN?

2009-12-04T10:05:00.000-08:00

"Same thing we do every day, Pinky..."

Almost every week day for the past 6 months has been like an episode of Pinky & The Brain. Each morning I devise a plan to take over the world. Every day I fail. If insanity means doing the same thing but expecting different results, I guess I have gone insane with this job search.

DO YOU HAVE ANY JOB SEARCH TIPS?

2009-11-29T23:40:00.000-08:00

Like Whitney Houston, Rihanna, and winter Uggs, my blog is back! Oh, the places I've been. Read on for all the updates!

2009-11-29T23:31:00.000-08:00

When I moved to LA, a friend assured me that Runyon Canyon is a great place to get exercise and meet guys. I was skeptical, as I’ve heard the same about Hustler and Jumbo’s Clown Room. Well, she was right. I met my boyfriend for the first time on a hot day at Runyon Canyon. A year and a half later, we ventured back to the scene of the crime for a picnic and HE PROPOSED!

I'M A QUITTER

2009-11-29T22:50:00.000-08:00

I tasted employment! For one tense, toxic, terrible month, I had a real paying job in LA!

::Thank you, thank you::

Too bad my boss was a bit of a mad man; the kind of guy who doesn’t know how not to be a wiener. Meryl Streep did what she cold to portray this type of person, but I can say from experience, The Devil Wears Wingtips.

Fortunately, he utilized my skill set effectively by giving me meaningful chores like dish washing, gift wrapping and grocery shopping. Filling my 12 hour days with wearisome tasks on top of running an already busy desk would be no big deal, if it weren’t for the putrid air of arrogance filling the hideously decorated, mouse infested halls of his noxious office. My discomfort with the egomaniac’s snide comments, petty squabbles, ridiculous requests and unbelievably short temper was punctuated by 6 AM phone calls and pestering weekend texts. Though I knew the job would entail some exasperating tasks, I never fathomed the amount of needless brow beating and discomfort a single person could inflict on a staff for no good reason.

THICK SKIN

A few people at the company commented that I just needed to develop a thick skin. (Said people will need thick skin too, as they will not be asked back next season.) I have skin smoothing serums, exfoliating scrubs, pore eliminating masks… Neutrogenia’s Skin Thickening Cream isn’t sold over the counter. And if this potion did exist- I don’t want to be coarse. How am I to gently stroke inflated egos with a calloused hand?

I have no experience with abuse. I don’t flourish in the face of degradation. And seriously- I shouldn’t have to. This is TV, folks! I would’ve enlisted if I wanted a drill sergeant. No pay check (no matter how tiny!) is worth a complete loss of self respect.

As the child of federal employees, I’ve caught a glimpse at those who negotiate vital international agreements. I’ve seen serious national policies being debated. What strikes me is that those issues were handled humbly with an air of tactful diplomacy and respect for all parties. How refreshing!

For a long time, the Hollywood machine has been permitted to run on the backs of overly eager 20-somethings who are tempted by empty promises of celebrity. With so many souls for sale, how can a budding Hollywood Exec be expected to show any restraint? This system has allowed for a complete erosion of etiquette.

Let’s class it up, people!

After months of unemployment, quitting was a tough decision. I have had some wonderful work experiences with incredible people. Those experiences empowered me. They reminded me that there is no reason to slave away for a snotty soul crusher in a position that offers no benefits- no health insurance, no direct deposit, and most importantly- no dignity.

Thanks to all the super supervisors and cool coworkers who came before! You showed me how it’s done.

Guess it's back to the soup kitchen for me.

ORGANIC MANIC

2009-10-19T23:23:00.000-07:00

Does spending an extra 60 cents on every head of organic lettuce ease your mind? Or $8 for organic oranges? Oh, peas! This organic shift is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

People who spray pesticides on farms seem to be coming down with irritating illnesses, like rashes, repertory infections, oh- and cancer. Terrible! No wonder the organic label helps squash fears of pesticide poisoning, unhealthy hormones and creepy carcinogens. And have you heard that hormones injected in non-organic meat is causing girls to sprout prematurely? Girls are going into menopause at 13 because of this stuff, right?

Before Whole Foods propaganda throws you into an organic panic, read this:

A report from the London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine (along with several others) discovered that there is no evidence of organic food being more nutritious. Furthermore, it remains unclear whether the amounts of pesticides in conventionally grown fruit and vegetables are high enough to be a health hazard. Nail in the coffin- It’s not very good for your beloved environment, either!

THE BEET 4 BEET RUNDOWN

Time to rethink those “conventional” carrots. They may not be as evil as your overpriced organic food market wants you to believe.

Organic food costs 10% - 40% more than conventionally grown food. Reduced use of preservatives means the food goes gross at record rates. There are no proven health benefits, and Nobel Prize winner Norman Borlaugh states that in order for organic farming to feed the world’s population, cropland would have to be expanded dramatically and ecosystems would be destroyed in the process.

Okay, so what does this mean??

Should I spend my hard earned cash on organic grass in the off chance that it might prevent health problems? My verdict is this: When I can afford to splurge on food that doesn’t cause cancer, hormone imbalances, and growth defects, I’ll consider it. In the meantime, I’ll Trade my Joes in for a Reasonable Ralph’s. I’ll settle for half price at Whole Foods. And I’ll take produce pesticide prevention into my own hands by scrubbing my plumbs ‘til they bleed.

2009-10-18T15:04:00.000-07:00

If my baby can't do this by the time s/he's 4 months old, it's going up for adoption.

THE HULU HOOP

2009-10-18T14:34:00.000-07:00

With so many new shows, how can you decide what to watch? Mad Men or Brothers & Sisters? Modern Family or Glee? Some cozy old favorites will have to take a back seat to the shiny new shows.

WHAT SHOWS ARE YOU WATCHING LIVE, AND WHICH ONES ARE DOWNGRADED TO HULU/DVR?

WHILE THE CAT'S AWAY

2009-10-17T07:29:00.000-07:00

I survived my first week of what may become a grueling new job. Woo! The boss was out of the office for most of the week, leaving me with a lot of work to do, but a lot of freedom to make mistakes without feeling too stoooopid. Even a resident mouse took advantage of his absence and did a quick lap around the office. I just have to get used to work phone calls coming in at 6:30 am, texts in the middle of the night. No big deal, right? Just ask the bags under my eyes.

Hollywood would reject my resume had I gone to Chattahoochee Valley Community College, but I'm convinced I'd be able to do my job just as well with their education. If I could adjust my grad school curriculum to more accurately reflect the job skills needed for the positions we realistically get, I would add important classes in:

Conference Calls

Call Rolling

Dish Washing

Scheduling

Email Forwarding

Sounds like a trade school infomercial!

WHY DO WE SPEND SO MUCH ON EDUCATION WHEN WE CAN LEARN HOW TO DO COFFEE RUNS IN HIGH SCHOOL?

I have to put all of this in perspective. There is a silver lining here. Yea though, I didn't expect my master's degree to set me back as far as it has, I currently have a pretty cool job. After a week, I've met some wonderful new people, learned a thing or two, and I even got a paycheck for my day of training! I really can't complain. I'll simply confess, as a child I looked down on housewives, thinking they were lazy people who chose not to explore their

full potential. Now I look at them and say, "lucky bi-otch!"

FIRST DAY JITTERS

2009-10-12T00:13:00.000-07:00

Starting a new job is like the first day of school. Remember those early fall nightmares that accompanied the first day? Every year of grade school began with a nightmare that I got majorly lost in a huge public school maze, missed all my classes, then got severely punished for being a scrawny idiot in stupid clothes.

Like Celine Dion, “it’s all coming back to me now.”

I have major first day jitters. Is my alarm clock going to be loud enough? Where should I sit at lunch? Will I make any friends? What if I screw everything up, wet my pants in embarrassment, and someone has to call my mommy? Adult diapers will come in handy tomorrow when I drop some phone calls, delete an important document, and call my boss a wiener in tongue-tied anxiety.

After so many months of unemployment, I’m incredibly grateful for a job. And one on such a great show? That’s excellent! But I’m worried because UCLA’s grad school didn’t have any classes in Advanced Call Rolling or Comprehensive Coffee Cooking. What if my phone voice doesn’t stack up?

I have to memorize some phone extensions, match faces to names, and get myself acclimated. One of the things that makes me most uncomfortable with new jobs is having people listen to me on the phone. What are they thinking as I carry on conversations with unknowns? Do they think my voice is too squeaky? Do I sound like a confused infant? Will coworkers Instant Message mean jokes about me to each other? You know you’ve done it!

I always like to buy fresh supplies at the beginning of a new death sentence/school year/project/job. In each situation, though, people judge the newby by the junk they use to litter their space. My office space will be very public. It’s right out there in the open, so a “You Know You’re A Redneck If” calendar probably won’t fly. And that zany strip of photo booth pics with me and the BF will probably reveal too much. Maybe my talking Napoleon Dynamite statue will help generate conversation. “It’s incredible!”

HOW SHOULD I DECORATE MY OFFFICE SPACE?

THE CLOCK

2009-10-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

SCRAMBLED EGGS

Last week, after a very interesting interview for this job, I returned home to find a very mature woman giving birth on The Learning Channel. Statistics kept popping up about all the risks associated with having babies late in life. Watching a poor, age-spotted, grey haired woman giving birth with informative blips about the likelihood of birth defects really rattled me. Here I am, fighting tooth-and-nail for jobs I’m scared of, when maybe I should redirect this attention to finding domestic stability. Suddenly, the window is closing. The clock is ticking. The heat is on.

At this rate, I’ll have crusty geriatric eggs by the time I’m married. Incessant lap top use is probably frying my ovaries. I don’t want to give birth to a Benjamin Button!

SHOULD CAREER TAKE A BACK SEAT TO FAMILY?

CONSOLATION BABY

It’s very possible that I‘ll wet my pants at work. Maybe I’ll be promoted. Maybe I’ll be fired. I’ll definitely get humiliated a few times along the way. But at least I now have a consolation prize. When/if this job falls through, I am going to buy myself a ring if I have to, and convince a strapping young man to give me the babies I’m almost too old to have.

Until then, I’ve got to figure out how to dress for this job.

WHAT WOULD YOU WEAR ON YOUR FIRST DAY OF A NEW JOB?

BRIGHT LIGHTS, WIG CITY

2009-10-09T13:55:00.000-07:00

Comedian Chris Rock is outing black women everywhere! Why Chris, why?

Women put more money into decorating their heads than they do into decorating their homes. 50% of Americans over age 25 dye their hair. Hair is a multi BILLION dollar industry. Imagine if we put this type of money and effort into freeing Tibet or saving Darfur!

No, never mind. That wouldn't be fun.

MEN LIKE BOOBS, NOT BOBS

Chris Rock argues that men don't care about women's hair. I disagree. Men may not sit around and talk about the amount of bounce in a girl's curls, but they notice these things. I can run errands with my hair in a pony tail and it's like I'm invisible. Go out later in the exact same outfit with a well-done 'do, and the male reaction is completely different. 'Splain that, Mr. Rock! Just 'cause it's more fun to talk about rear buns than hair buns, doesn't mean guys don't notice.

CHARM & CHOP

I know you city girls are familiar with the ol' bait and switch! You clip, cut, curl and dye. You straighten and lengthen, perm and press. Then once you find a guy and seal the deal, you chop off all your stressful strands. New wives seem to think of it as a liberating right of passage. For men, it's a sign that the honeymoon is officially over.

Hate to tell you this, but guys are on to us! Before long guys are going to start writing 'no chop' clauses into prenups. No worries, though. A woman can be totally bald one day and she can sport red ringlets the next.

Extensions and wigs and weaves, oh, my!

ARE YOU GOING TO SEE CHRIS ROCK'S NEW DOC, GOOD HAIR?

GOT A GIG

2009-10-07T16:23:00.000-07:00

After months of unemployment, I finally got a job! Though I'm very excited about the position, I hear my predecessors didn't fair too well. They came and went very quickly. I guess that means I should enjoy this little victory while it lasts! Champagne, anyone?!

WORSE THAN WHITAKER

2009-10-02T09:17:00.000-07:00

I was making light of things yesterday, but my condition turned south really quickly. Think Whoopi in Color Purple. Maybe a little worse. My eye is swollen shut, and it looks like I'll have to make my first uninsured Dr. appointment. Where do you go without insurance? How do you pay? I'm new at this! It's like losing your virginity or stepping to the dark side. I'll even have the accompanying regret and confusion common in such situations.

KEEPING AN EYE OUT

2009-10-01T20:03:00.000-07:00

I know health care reform is one of those dead issues that no one cares about anymore. Especially for those who have insurance. That’s cool. It’s just that the $69 I’m getting from Unemployment won’t cover a viable insurance plan.

Imagine my delight when I woke up this morning with a swollen eye. I self medicated with some Target brand eye drops and an ice cube.

Well, now I look like Forest Whitaker! The thing’s nearly swollen shut. It is NOT SEXY.

I don’t know what, exactly Obama’s 1,000-page health care plan includes, but it’s gotta be better than the coverage I’m currently not getting. If having an eyeball in jeopardy isn’t bad enough, I can’t imagine what would happen with a more serious problem.

IS A FEAR OF CHANGE CAUSING US TO LOSE SIGHT OF HUMAN RIGHTS?

In researching my cat’s respiratory illness, I learned that penicillin for fish can be purchased over-the-counter at the pet store. Fish! FISH get better health care than me! Well, I for one, won’t stand for it! I’m going to march into that PetCo, demand Fishicillin, and swim out of there in a bubble of dignity.

IF YOU SEE A ONE EYED CHICK WITH GILLS, PLEASE DON’T LAUGH AT ME. IT HURTS.

CAN'T LICK FOOD STAMPS

2009-10-01T16:42:00.000-07:00

Simply getting called in for interviews is progress.

I felt pretty good last week as I made my way downtown for a 7PM interview at a non-profit. As I pulled up to the LA tenement, though, my heart started to sink. Months of unemployment and desperation finally pushed me through the doors of what seemed to be a deserted crack den. Post-It notes guided me through the eerily vacant, dimly lit hallways to a creepy cove of closed doors. Though another Post-It note instructed me to read while I waited, I got the chilling suspicion that I’d been lured to this place by a plot only Law & Order: SVU could cook up.

I contemplated running for my life. Yet, while there was a good chance I’d be decapitated if I stayed for the ‘interview,’ the threat of having my cat eat my emaciated carcass wasn’t a promising alternative. I really needed this job.

Finally, a cheerful lady guided me into her office for what I thought was a great interview. Sure, I was lacking a few prerequisites: I’ve never taught at an inner city school; Don’t have experience creating curriculums; Never had to restrain troubled youth while simultaneously delivering a teenager’s baby. But I know how to do everything else they asked for, and I gave some phenomenal answers. I left the woman’s office feeling pretty confident!

That all changed when I got in the rickety old elevator, the doors closed and all the lights went out. Perhaps SCREAMING profanity in terror is what cost me the job? I'll never know for sure. I'm just lucky I escaped that haunted halfway house in one piece.

At least I found out I’m eligible for a whopping $69/week through unemployment. Ow, ow! Hollywood, here I come!

THE TRIBE HAS SPOKEN

2009-10-01T15:32:00.000-07:00

A recent poll conducted by researchers at City Girl Survival Guide indicates that 44% of you are totally indecisive when it comes to the name change topic. 27% are pro name change, 4% against, and 1% for hyphenation.

Further research revealed that none of you care whether or not your man splits the cost of birth control. Thank you for voting. I’m glad we examined the matter.

BE HAPPY, DAMNIT!

2009-09-25T19:26:00.000-07:00

Better keep that glass half full, girls. A livescience.com study suggests that optimistic women live longer, healthier lives. Optimistic women are at a lower risk for developing heart disease, diabetes, high cholesterol and high blood pressure. The research shows that women with high levels of cynical hostility are at a greater risk of dying.

Well, we’re all going to die, anyway. Wait! I mean…

Here’s the kicker: Researchers found that optimists were more likely to live in the Western US [√], have higher education [√], higher incomes [∅heh], they are employed [∅ugh], have health insurance [∅ouch] and regularly attend religious services [gulp].

Employed? Insurance? By ‘regularly,’ what do they mean, exactly?

Oh, forget it. That’s it. I’m screwed. It’s all over. I can feel my blood pressure shooting up already.

HOW DO YOU STAY POSITIVE? BY READING MY BLOG? WHY, THANK YOU!

A HEADACHE FREE COMPLEXION

2009-09-25T19:15:00.000-07:00

Why did it take me 28 years to discover the Aspirin mask? Over the years, I’ve wasted hundreds of dollars on prescriptions that were way less effective. Probably my fault. Going to a dermatologist who has wicked acne is like relying on a homeless realtor.

Anyway, the mask is miraculous! Aspirin is salicylic acid, which is the main ingredient in many acne treatments. Plus, Aspirin is an anti-inflammatory that reduces the size of blemishes and the slightly gritty consistency serves as an exfoliant upon removal. Convinced? Let’s do this!

There are countless variations, but here’s what works for me:

3-5 Uncoated Aspirin Pills

A Drip or A Drop of Milk for each pill

A Drip of Lemon Juice

1. Put the pills in a little dish and drip a little milk and lemon juice on top.

2. When the pills are soft, mush everything into a paste.

3. Spread the concoction on your face (avoiding eyes) and let it dry.

4. When the mask dries, scrub it off with a little water like a typical exfoliant.

5. Admire your soft, smooth skin and spread the word!

Variations include replacing milk with yogurt, aloe, honey, or a basic moisturizer.

IT TAKES TWO, BABY

2009-09-23T18:50:00.000-07:00

Though every woman should take responsibility for her own uterus, a study by the National Journal of Common Sense shows that men play an essential roll in creating babies. So why aren’t men responsible for popping baby stoppers religiously, getting painful monthly injections or maneuvering their Nuvarings? Sure, they’ll ride the Trojans for safety, but shouldn’t birth control concern men a little more? If the threat of child support isn’t enough, what about the wrath of a jaded, hormonal pregnant woman?

Doctors have been tempting us for years with promises of male birth control. Monthly injections of testosterone undecanoate in tea seed oil appear to be very effective in Chinese trials. What are we waiting for, FDA? Shoot ‘em up, already!

Of course, a majority of you city girls prefer the most fulfilling form of birth control. Abstinence.

Heh. But for the rest of you, would you trust guys with this responsibility? Guys can’t remember to put down the toilet seat, and you know they hate regular doctor's appointments. My vote is NO. I’ll dodge some responsibilities: mouse trapping; dishwashing; parallel parking, but I’ll oversee the baby-stopping, thank you! Since men are off the hook when it comes to taking birth control, SHOULD YOUR GUY SPLIT THE BILL FOR THE PILL?

HIT THE POLLS

WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS

2009-09-22T20:09:00.000-07:00

That's not a dig at my GA friends who are literally swimming to safety. Good luck, guys!

Rather, it’s a reference to my spectacular change of luck. Today’s interview was great, and they called me back for another one in the morning. Woo!

I’d like to thank Eminem, who reminded me before today’s interview, that “you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime.” You’re so right, Em. Your wisdom inspired me. Props to the late Michael Jackson who told me on the ride to my interview that “…my friend you have seen nothing. Just wait ‘til I get through because I’m bad. I’m bad…” And then there’s my dear Meat Loaf. Yes, I wore my lucky Meat Loaf panties today. Unfortunately, I think I’ll have to wear them again tomorrow to continue this streak of good luck.

What?? I’ll Febreze ‘em.

And most importantly, thanks to ALL OF YOU! The support, referrals, prayers, good vibes and flowers (!) have been incredibly uplifting. THANK YOU! Keep it coming.

FYI: In addition to well wishes, I’m also accepting chocolates, champagne and checks. J I’ll letcha know how it goes.

OH, POOH

2009-09-22T19:06:00.000-07:00

I’ve never been a fan of Winnie the Pooh or his ragtag group of friends. We wonder why there’s a childhood obesity epidemic in this country? Winnie the Pooh is no role model! First of all, his name is Pooh. Ew. He’s a gluttonous, half dressed slob who sucks honey off his bare (or should I say bear) paws. Kids, if you see anyone like this, run to a well-lit area and call for help. Whatever you do, do NOT reach into his honey pot!

Over the years I’ve developed some sympathy for the inhabitants of Hundred Acre Woods. Modern medicine could really improve the quality of their lives. Eeyore- depression hurts. Cymbalta can help. And Piglet, I bet Xanex could ease your wicked anxiety disorder. Tigger- stop by any college campus and see if a 4^th year freshman can mellow you out.

I’m no doctor. Just a concerned friend.

Hope For Hooters

2009-09-21T09:52:00.000-07:00

1 in 8 women will get breast cancer and there is no cure… YET. Hope-4-Hooters is a Virginia based team that’s walking to raise money for women with breast cancer. They’re on their 3rd year, and so far they’ve raised thousands!

TO WALK OR CONTRIBUTE:
Click here and choose Hope-4-Hooters in the "I want to fulfill a pledge" drop-down menu.

All proceeds from the Walk benefit the Alexandria, VA Breast Cancer Walk Fund at Inova Alexandria Hospital, which provides mammograms to uninsured women or to those in financial need. Nearly 5,000 women have been helped due to the generous support of sponsors, walkers and their pledges.

KNOW A COOL GIRL DOING SOMETHING GREAT IN HER CITY? TELL US ABOUT IT!

REDUCE, REUSE, RIDICULOUS?

2009-09-19T21:29:00.000-07:00

Sweet Mother Nature is crying out for our help. Her poor polar babies are suffering, their playgrounds are melting away. But are we to blame for Mom Nature’s abusive husband, Father Evolution? That heartless tyrant always spanks us like the naughty children we are.

I get it. You don't want to turn your back on a battered Mother Earth. Sure, I didn’t start walking everywhere until gas prices shot up, but I’ve been recycling for two decades now. I reuse bags, turn off appliances that aren’t in use. I just wonder if it will pay off in the long run. Self-preservation is an admirable instinct but ARE ENVIRONMENTALISTS BLOWING GREEN HOUSE GASSES UP OUR ASSES?

Climates are meant to change. Species die out, new civilizations emerge. It's been going on for millennia, Friends. Who am I to stand in the way of progress?

IS ANYONE ELSE AFRAID THAT EVOLUTION IS FAR STRONGER THAN OUR SOLAR POWERED EGOS?

Once we melt away, and Human 2.0 hits the scene with super strength, superior intellect and multiple sex organs, s/he will giggle at our cute attempts to defy nature. Leno 2.0 will crack jokes when their scientists unearth a Prius. [As if you weren’t laughing at them already] Our recycle bins, hybrids, and activists will eventually line the walls of their ultramodern history museums.

Simply voicing these concerns is enough to get me knifed in LA. Yes, I feel guilty when my showers run long, but does that outweigh the embarrassment of unshaved armpits? And what about all those guys who are using the water crisis as an excuse not to flush the toilet? G-ross. I’m on to you!

There’s too much turmoil in the Earth household. Unless Miss Nature breaks it off with her sadistic lover, Evolution, I’m afraid we’re SOL. Recycle all you want. I’m outta here! My realtor’s hooking me up with a 4 bed/4 bath craftsman on Jupiter.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

2009-09-18T02:23:00.000-07:00

I never understood why people blog. I mean, “blog” sounds like something you do once you get home from another dinner with those pretentious friends who pretend to love Ethiopian food. B-log! Come on. I know plenty of Ethiopians who would much prefer a quarter pounder with fries. Nevertheless, long days of unemployment leave me with a hole to fill, so read on, write back, and spread the word.

THE DEVIL CAN'T AFFORD PRADA

2009-09-18T02:00:00.000-07:00

OH, HONEY. IT’S NOT THE ECONOMY. IT’S YOU.

98 Days of Unemployment * 74 Days of Aggressive Job Searching

80+ Resumes Submitted * $353.52 To My Name

I never thought I’d be in this situation. Not only am I unemployed, I’m apparently completely unemployable. I have milked every contact, sent out countless resumes, applied to every job under the sinking California sun. I began the job hunt with a discount suit, a folder full of resumes, a pocket full of useless accolades and a head full of false hope. Only to find graduate school just may have killed the very television career I was hoping to enhance. My enablers assure me that it’s just the economy, not me. One day something will come through.

Well, as I gathered the necessary documents to file my first unemployment application, I couldn’t help but shed a tear and reflect on what brought me to this ultimate low. Maybe I made a mistake somewhere along the way.

It’s no wonder, really. I’ve made a series of bad decisions. My wrap sheet is just as gruesome as all the others on my cellblock. I often ask myself- “Why didn’t someone intervene?” A friend, a neighbor, a legal parent or guardian. Someone should’ve stepped in and guided me out of this mess.

I suppose I started getting into trouble somewhere around high school. First Offense: Honor Roll. I was foolishly lured by promises of a bright future, endless praise and that ridiculous “My Child Is An Honor Roll Student” bumper sticker with which my mother never intended to defile her Jaguar.

Then I started fooling around with those hooligans at New York University. Bad news! This is when the real intervention should have happened. But no- people turned a blind eye.

I took a job at Nickelodeon after college. It’s here that I first came to know and love having a steady income. I’d shamelessly skip into Washington Mutual with my weekly paycheck, a devilish grin creeping up my cheeks as I daydreamed about how to spend my earnings. But the high didn’t last long. Like any real junkie, I wanted more. More responsibilities, promotions, raises. And when that wasn’t enough, I made a final desperate decision. I couldn’t spend my life screwing around with SpongeBob and Dora The Explorer. Those shady characters were going nowhere. So I applied to graduate school at UCLA.

After what I thought was a horrible interview at UCLA, I was admitted to their grad school with a scholarship for “Most Promising Incoming Student.” With that, I was hooked. Those clever UCLA fishers reeled me all the way across the country. I packed up my New York office, sent the obligatory “never have I worked with such a fun, funny, creative group of people… yada yada…” goodbye Email, and I set out to plant my star on the walk of fame.

DIGGING A HOLE OR WORKING THE POLE

I’ll save the two-year grad school experience for another day. But I will say, I wasn’t a shabby student. Here again I made the mistake of working hard, scoring internships and winning awards. Foolish! Time wasted hitting the books would have been better spent swinging from poles. Have you seen the talent at Jumbo’s Clown Room? Had I an ounce of common sense I would’ve taken a more analytical look at my career path and realized that the girls at Jumbo’s don’t have to pay back $100K in student loans because of out-of-state tuition. They have a social network far stronger than any alumni association. They spent nights sweeping in tips and getting in peak physical condition while my sleepless night were spent writing Critical Studies reports and downing sugary caffeine concoctions.

From thousands of miles away, I can here the giggles of all of my Nickelodeon friends who advised me not to leave. Their laughter echoes throughout my hollow studio apartment every time I submit a resume to another Entry Level assistant job, offering a third of the money I was making before. I use my diploma to dab away the tears each time I ensure an employer that I can answer multi-line phones like a pro or collate photocopies in record time. Yes, I multitask in my sleep, think quickly on my feet and operate Microsoft Office like Bill Gates. Oh, how I appreciate my master’s degree each time I respond to job posts calling for applicants who “must have a valid driver’s license, thick skin, ability to lift 50+ lbs and a flexible weekend schedule.”

DID I SHAVE MY LEGS FOR THIS?

Fortunately, each day brings the possibility of fresh rejection!

At last, after 60+ job applications I scored an interview! $12/hour is better than $0/hour, right? So I throw on my pearls, button up my suit (not too high, a hint of cleavage may work in my favor) and pray to the God of Employment that this works out. When I got my first Variety mention this summer, I thought it would propel my career far beyond the realm of Post Production Facility RECEPTIONIST, but- this is a start. …Or not. It appears the incredibly friendly man who called me in for the interview didn’t bother to look over my resume first. After taking a look at it in our meeting, he shook his head, commented that I’m “drastically overqualified” and urged me to hold out for something better.

So here I am. Holding out for something better as I reuse paper towels, boil another pack of Ramen noodles, and hand wash my unmentionables in the kitchen sink. How many times can you use a rusty razor before it becomes a health risk? My cat’s two week cold is being treated with Vicks Vapor Rub, health insurance is a thing of the past, and I’m wondering if taking half doses of birth control pills is a reasonable alternative to paying $30.95 for a new pack.

And to top it all off, I just found a dead bug in my saltshaker. What shoulder do I throw it over?

ARE YOU A MEMBER OF THE UNEMPLOYED ALUMNI ASSOCIATION? HOW ARE YOU LOOKING FOR WORK AND MAKING ENDS MEET?

LA FITNESS

2009-09-18T01:56:00.000-07:00

At 133 pounds, I am at least 20 pounds heavier than most of the girls I meet out here. WHAT ARE YOU GIRLS DOING?? Whatever it is, I want to know! I'll try anything short of the Hollywood coke diet.

My mother has urged me to get a job at the gym so I don’t get fat while looking for a real work. Thanks, Mom! What are you trying to say? I guess it’s the same message my Sevens are trying to send as they choke my kidneys. I’ve tried eating naked so I’ll be reminded with every bite of the caloric consequences, but even that doesn’t curb the constant cravings.

KEEP ME LOOKING LITE AND EATING RIGHT WITH YOUR HEALTHY EATING TIPS AND TRICKS.

Working out is another uphill battle. I pretend I’m getting exercise when I take the easy route up and down Runyon Canyon once a month. When I realized that wouldn’t cut it, I bit the bullet and stopped by the gym. After a forty minute sales game, I wound up getting a “great low price” on my membership, which happens to be the same low price as all their other members. Thank you, LA Fitness!

My goal is to go to the gym at least 4 times a week, running at least a mile and a half each time. After the jog, I do some crunches, then walk home. The problem is, I’m motivated to do this no more than twice a week, and I’ll use any excuse to cut it short. Monday’s excuse- the creepy dude with the pink legwarmers. I’m all for Equal Opportunity Exercise, but come on! I’m 90% sure this guy is a registered sex offender, cut off jean shorts and all. I left for my own good.

HOW DO YOU WORK IT OUT?

I look at my skeletal boyfriend and wish he’d grow a beer belly already so I wouldn’t feel so bad about myself. Somehow he thinks of me as a jogging partner. Um, what is it about my gently used sneakers and handy asthma inhaler that screams jogger? It is a BAD IDEA. Nothing good can come of it. As I wheeze and gasp three blocks behind my ‘jogging partner’ my vision blurs and I often see horns and a tale poking through his gym shorts. And what does he see? A sweaty, disheveled monster, hoping to be put out of her misery. There’s nothing sexy about it. So until I build up some endurance, my jogging partners are going to be Beyonce, Justin Timberlake and The Black Eyed Peas.

WHO’S ON YOUR WORKOUT PLAYLIST?

CALIFORNIA SCREAMING

2009-09-18T01:55:00.000-07:00

It’s a little past midnight and you’re alone again. You hear a scream, punctuated by rhythmic pounding. Or worse- you’re not alone. Mom’s in town, and the neighbor’s goin’ down. Living in city spaces sometimes means sharing in your neighbor’s most intimate moments.

HOW DO YOU COPE WITH THE NEIGHBOR/ROOMMATE WHO LIKES TO F.O.L?

Do you LOL? Knock on the wall? Burry your head under a pillow? Or do you confront the city screamer in the elevator, remind her that you’re glad she’s getting some, but you don’t want to hear about it?

Before you kick down those paper-thin apartment walls, just remember- the wall works both ways. We’ve heard you, too!

AT LAST!

2009-09-17T17:53:00.000-07:00

101 Days of Unemployment, 86+ Resumes Sent, $271.08 left, and ::drum roll, please::

I have an interview! Send your prayers, good vibes, break-a-legs, (or whatever your religious views permit) my way!

In typical interview fashion, I will spend most of the day researching the company, re-doing my hair, practicing my shake-‘n-smile, and dancing along to Michael Jackson videos.

I’ll let you know if it’s a break or a bust!

HOW DO YOU PUMP YOURSELF UP FOR AN INTERVIEW?

FROZEN YOGURT

2009-09-17T16:19:00.000-07:00

Over the past several months I’ve come to see myself as a fro yo connoisseur. It started out as a brief flirtation with Yogotango, and blossomed into an icy love affair with Yogurtland. Move over Pinkberry! There’s a sweet new treat and the craze is catching on.

MY FROZEN FAVORITES

1. YOGURTLAND.

This is the self serve stop with a cherry on top. A variety of great flavors with fat free and sugar free options make Yogurtland full of fantastic possibilities. Low prices don’t hurt, either. But strap on your seatbelts! Parking can be a nightmare at some of their popular locations.

2. YOGURT STOP.

You’ll feel so dirty at the self serve pumps, as this West Hollywood treasure is laden with sexual innuendo. Nevertheless, their toppings are supreme. Red velvet cake? Are you kidding me?! It’s to die for! Sure, you’ll probably get grouped by a fun-loving tranny, but that makes it even sweeter.

3. YOGOTANGO.

Yogotango opened my eyes to the wonders of frozen yogurt. Though the yogurt is not self serve, the toppings are. Interesting flavors change frequently, and the spacious interior allows you to savor the experience.

4. PINKBERRY.

This place was totally overrated for a while, but they’re wising up and allowing for self serve toppings. Their parfait is a great fruity treat!

DO YOU FRO YO?